I haven't really posted in here much lately, but I'm an anxious ball of nerves right now -- have been for the past few days -- and thought I'd post in hopes of some encouragement. So here goes a long-winded story that will hopefully have a happy ending:
When my husband and I first married, we both agreed that we wanted to have one biological child and one adopted child. We had our biological child, Willow Faye, and then when she was around 2, we started trying for adoption through the state. We filled mounds of paperwork, had to submit to all kinds of background checks and invasive personal questions and home inspections, and the home study that not only asked for our entire life histories, but the life histories of as many of our siblings and extended family as we could remember. We didn't mind doing this -- we expected it -- but after complying with everything the state asked, we were met with incompetence from every angle.
We were tossed around from one caseworker to another, then another, then another. I lost track of how many caseworkers we went through. At one point, our entire file was lost. Just *poof!* as if we had never filed in the first place. Luckily, we still had our copy of the home study, but everything else had to be started over from scratch. After 4 years of them playing Hot Potato with us, our caseworker suggested we try the foster-to-adopt approach. He said that while he couldn't promise that any child placed with us would be adoptable, these were the kids less likely to be reunited with their biological families -- kids that have been in foster care for long periods of their lives and whose parents aren't trying their best to get them back. We agreed.
Right out of the gate, he placed a 6 year old girl with us. AFTER she was placed with us, he told us that she had brothers, this was their first time in foster care, the parents were doing all the right stuff to get the kids back, and that she was probably only going to be with us for a couple of months. In other words, pretty much zero chance of adoption. She was a lovely little girl, and we enjoyed our time with her, but she ultimately got to go back home.
Shortly after she left, my husband (who had been dealing with a mystery illness for years) was finally diagnosed with an extremely rare genetic disease called Gitelman's Syndrome. We were pretty devastated by this and didn't know what it might mean in the long term -- whether or not it would affect his quality of life or life expectancy -- so we finally decided, after 4 long years of trying, to give up on adoption.
It's been nearly 3 years now since we stopped the adoption efforts. We now know that Billy's disease is manageable, and that he should live a more or less normal life with the right medication. We've talked numerous times about trying again, but have always ultimately been a little gun-shy about trying again due to the situation last time, and said to ourselves "Well, I guess we don't have to have 2 kids to have a complete family. Faye's an awesome kid, and now we can just pour all our attention and affection onto her."
And then a little over a month ago, a dear friend of mine messaged me out of the blue, asking if we could foster her preschool-aged daughter. I'll spare the major details for her sake, but it was an issue of a vengeful ex-husband who took his anger out on the child and wound up getting her taken away from them both while the investigation took place. Of course we said yes -- we know the mother had nothing to do with it, and we've known her and her kids for years. So, once again, we had to jump through all the hoops, fill out all the paperwork, have strangers scrutinize every inch of our house and every aspect of our lives. We got 90% through the process over about a month's time when...DHS decided not to move the child after all. Go figure. A day or two after that disappointment, I asked my husband if he would consider finishing the application process and maybe trying to adopt again -- or at least foster. He said he'd think about it for a few days and we'd sit down and discuss it again over the weekend.
We never got to the discussion. Less than a week after we were told the preschooler wouldn't be staying with us, and just a day or two after we decided to think on it again, I got a message from an online friend who works as a caseworker at a local DHS office. It really was completely out of the blue; I don't think she knew that we had been planning just days prior to be fostering a child -- I tried my hardest to keep it private for the sake of the mother -- but she knew that we had fostered years ago. She told me that one of her coworkers had a teenage girl that needed a good home pretty much ASAP. She said she knew this girl personally, thought of us, and thought we would be the perfect fit -- she's an eccentric little "goth" girl with no religious beliefs who needs a quiet, stable family. The more she told me about her, the more I fell in love with the idea. I won't tell too many details here, but she her parents' rights were relinquished years ago, she's been in and out of 2 or 3 foster homes, and she is available for adoption if she decides she'd like to be. And if not, she does still need a loving, like-minded, understanding family to care for her until she's of age. I told Billy what was going on, asked him what he thought, and he said yes, let's go for it!
I contacted our caseworker, my friend-the-caseworker talked to the girl's caseworker and wrote a letter of recommendation, I found a twin-size bed and set aside some money for essentials, and we're now playing the waiting game. I've spent the past 5 days barely sleeping, fussily eating, nervously cleaning the house over and over, nitpicking the things I've put in her room (I was told she loves skulls and the band Avenged Sevenfold, so I tried to add a few touches to make her room feel more inviting -- I even made a little A7X flying skull to put on her bookcase), and checking my phone 5 million times a day for updates. I hate not knowing, but at the same time, I dread getting a definite answer because I'm afraid it'll be "no."
If this doesn't work out, I don't know that we would keep trying to adopt again. But we've all 3 got our fingers crossed that we'll get to be the family this girl needs.
I'll update this blog as anything develops. Cross your fingers that it'll be good news!
We were tossed around from one caseworker to another, then another, then another. I lost track of how many caseworkers we went through. At one point, our entire file was lost. Just *poof!* as if we had never filed in the first place. Luckily, we still had our copy of the home study, but everything else had to be started over from scratch. After 4 years of them playing Hot Potato with us, our caseworker suggested we try the foster-to-adopt approach. He said that while he couldn't promise that any child placed with us would be adoptable, these were the kids less likely to be reunited with their biological families -- kids that have been in foster care for long periods of their lives and whose parents aren't trying their best to get them back. We agreed.
Right out of the gate, he placed a 6 year old girl with us. AFTER she was placed with us, he told us that she had brothers, this was their first time in foster care, the parents were doing all the right stuff to get the kids back, and that she was probably only going to be with us for a couple of months. In other words, pretty much zero chance of adoption. She was a lovely little girl, and we enjoyed our time with her, but she ultimately got to go back home.
Shortly after she left, my husband (who had been dealing with a mystery illness for years) was finally diagnosed with an extremely rare genetic disease called Gitelman's Syndrome. We were pretty devastated by this and didn't know what it might mean in the long term -- whether or not it would affect his quality of life or life expectancy -- so we finally decided, after 4 long years of trying, to give up on adoption.
It's been nearly 3 years now since we stopped the adoption efforts. We now know that Billy's disease is manageable, and that he should live a more or less normal life with the right medication. We've talked numerous times about trying again, but have always ultimately been a little gun-shy about trying again due to the situation last time, and said to ourselves "Well, I guess we don't have to have 2 kids to have a complete family. Faye's an awesome kid, and now we can just pour all our attention and affection onto her."
And then a little over a month ago, a dear friend of mine messaged me out of the blue, asking if we could foster her preschool-aged daughter. I'll spare the major details for her sake, but it was an issue of a vengeful ex-husband who took his anger out on the child and wound up getting her taken away from them both while the investigation took place. Of course we said yes -- we know the mother had nothing to do with it, and we've known her and her kids for years. So, once again, we had to jump through all the hoops, fill out all the paperwork, have strangers scrutinize every inch of our house and every aspect of our lives. We got 90% through the process over about a month's time when...DHS decided not to move the child after all. Go figure. A day or two after that disappointment, I asked my husband if he would consider finishing the application process and maybe trying to adopt again -- or at least foster. He said he'd think about it for a few days and we'd sit down and discuss it again over the weekend.
We never got to the discussion. Less than a week after we were told the preschooler wouldn't be staying with us, and just a day or two after we decided to think on it again, I got a message from an online friend who works as a caseworker at a local DHS office. It really was completely out of the blue; I don't think she knew that we had been planning just days prior to be fostering a child -- I tried my hardest to keep it private for the sake of the mother -- but she knew that we had fostered years ago. She told me that one of her coworkers had a teenage girl that needed a good home pretty much ASAP. She said she knew this girl personally, thought of us, and thought we would be the perfect fit -- she's an eccentric little "goth" girl with no religious beliefs who needs a quiet, stable family. The more she told me about her, the more I fell in love with the idea. I won't tell too many details here, but she her parents' rights were relinquished years ago, she's been in and out of 2 or 3 foster homes, and she is available for adoption if she decides she'd like to be. And if not, she does still need a loving, like-minded, understanding family to care for her until she's of age. I told Billy what was going on, asked him what he thought, and he said yes, let's go for it!
I contacted our caseworker, my friend-the-caseworker talked to the girl's caseworker and wrote a letter of recommendation, I found a twin-size bed and set aside some money for essentials, and we're now playing the waiting game. I've spent the past 5 days barely sleeping, fussily eating, nervously cleaning the house over and over, nitpicking the things I've put in her room (I was told she loves skulls and the band Avenged Sevenfold, so I tried to add a few touches to make her room feel more inviting -- I even made a little A7X flying skull to put on her bookcase), and checking my phone 5 million times a day for updates. I hate not knowing, but at the same time, I dread getting a definite answer because I'm afraid it'll be "no."
If this doesn't work out, I don't know that we would keep trying to adopt again. But we've all 3 got our fingers crossed that we'll get to be the family this girl needs.
I'll update this blog as anything develops. Cross your fingers that it'll be good news!